Shataina (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dragonladyflame) wrote,@ 2008-04-13 22:34:00 |
|
the end of the affair
Me and SomethingAwful: A Love Story involving piranha, limericks about my breakup, etc.
Ever since I discovered SomethingAwful, I've had a strange affection for it (who couldn't love a site whose tagline is, "The Internet makes you stupid"?). Housemate Brett recently characterized me as loving SA "to a fault". I can't actually remember what I first read on that site. It may have been their hilarious, though utterly horrifying, hentai game reviews, which brought me closer to resolving never to have sex again than anything else I've ever experienced. Sometime later I found their ingenious responses to legal threats against the site ("I discussed this proposition with my lawyer, and he responded by throwing a pitcher of Tang at my head .... This is his way of saying 'no dice'.") I'd already known of SA for a while when I saw the awesome photoshopped D&D ads ("THAC0 is wacko ... if you're a teen") and the hysterically funny review of the gaming supplement, The Book of Erotic Fantasy ("Given a pad of paper, a pencil, and a year's time I would be hard pressed to come up with a list of three products less needed").
SA charges $10 for accounts on their fora. I never felt much of an urge to actually be a SomethingAwful member until I found myself hanging out with my dear friend Sean a couple years ago, and we spent much time discussing the awesomeness of SA. After hours of this, he offered to buy me an account for my birthday, though he warned me to be careful until I knew the lay of the land because the moderators ban people for just about anything. Referencing jokes that are no longer funny will get you banned, for instance, as will expressing your opinion in a boring or stupid manner.
There are many types of threads on the SA fora; you choose a thread tag when you create a new thread. Example tags include "fruity", "gross", "photoshop" and "comics" as well as plainer things such as "school", "games" or "sex". One thread tag I was always a sucker for is "e/n"; I think it stands for "emotional/neurotic" or something. E/N threads are almost always about breakups, and traditionally go something like this:
1) Someone writes a post describing his/her relationship drama.
2) SA users (known as "goons") comment with vicious mockery, off-colour remarks, psychological deconstruction of the original poster (known as the "OP"), and occasional advice or comfort.
3) If other goons know the OP, they may jump in with commentary that further confuses the issue.
4) The OP ignores any wise advice given them by the audience and does something stupid. Then s/he writes about it and is mocked some more.
5) If the OP is female, then guys start offering to sleep with her.
6) If the e/n thread is particularly scandalous (for instance, "I'm in love with my stepmother and want nothing more than to sleep with her"), then the amateur internet detectives of SA may locate real information about the OP and reveal the thread's existence to concerned parties (for instance, the stepmother). When the concerned parties get involved, this is known as the "drama bomb".
One day, as I was chortling over the memory of an e/n thread on my way to work, I had an idea. What if you had an e/n thread that was also a contest? Like, a contest to see who could make the most ridiculous remark or do the most ridiculous thing (like contact a stepmother)? And what if ... what if there were limericks involved?
I didn't have any drama that I could use for such an e/n thread myself ... but less than a month later, I did! I didn't want to upset Mark by blindsiding him with a thread about our breakup, but I swiftly obtained his permission by email and set out on my mission.
The Contest
I wrote a post of the following title: "Write a Limerick About My Breakup (CONTEST w/ PRIZES)". The prizes were a freeze-dried piranha and a diaphinised frog. I summed up my relationship and subsequent breakup with Mark in an extremely shallow, incomplete and non-detailed manner (which can be shortened to: we had a pretty awesome relationship, but neither of us were sure what was gonna happen in our lives, and when he clearly lost enthusiasm for dating me, I ended it). I cherry-picked details about our lives that I figured would inspire creativity: that we're both long-haired hippies who live in vegetarian co-ops, for instance, and that we're gamers. I nicknamed him Megaman, noted that he was an SA member, and said that I don't know his username but that I wouldn't contradict anyone who pretended to be him. I also noted that I had at one point feared that I was putting too much sexual pressure on him and asked the audience to speculate about my fetishes.
The absolute best entry was this sonnet by username jo3sh, which speculated about exactly that:
Her drive for pleasures carnal drove away
The only man for whom she's ever pined
To grave she takes the sinful secret play
But sets the goons a game to guess the kind
Did Megaman refuse to go downtown?
Or did Shataina pray his butt to peg?
Demanded she he use the highway brown?
Or was it yiff for which she wailed and begged?
Or maybe he preferred a fruity lube
And she asked him that as a special treat
They use some lard instead to wet their pubes
A vegan's dirty, begging, "give me meat!"
A goon's imagination runs amok
In wond'ring how the goon girls like to fuck.
But there were many fine entries. Here are some more, with my favourite at the end:
(A double dactyl by username alhireth-hotep)
Ranhapi Ranhana,
Gamesmaster Megaman.
Lost a she-nerd who you
gave a good lay.
Predramabombily
kill off her character:
She don't need you, but she
still need to play!
(Limerick by underflow)
Megaman the dungeon master
loved a girl, but then he cast her
Silent Stare and
Dull Despair and
frankly, it was a disaster.
(Of course, many goons urged me to kill myself. The best was from frankenstyle:)
The love you once felt is receding,
but the wounds left behind are not fleeting.
All that pain in your heart,
you can soon make depart,
If you get the damn thing to stop beating.
(I received exactly two entries that I think were from women. This one's from username smam:)
Once there was a girl so lovesick,
Thinks he's great but he sounds like a prick.
I've been there before,
So I'll tell you the score:
Find a nicer guy with a big dick.
(And the other, from the young marge:)
a hippie came here to get roasted
her relationship clearly was toasted
she whined her laments
to some neckbearded gents,
but alas! no boobies were posted.
(Several from xthnru)
I'm making this post here from work
In regards to the young man you porked.
My response to thee,
Is just let things be,
Since you both sound like huge fucking dorks.
The problem is that you've no luck,
And that the whole thread's gone amok;
Your post was too long,
Your prizes are wrong,
And no one here gives half a fuck.
But your sense of good humor's commendable,
Since your e-dignity is expendable,
And I guess that is why,
About you and this guy,
Is actually semi-lamentable.
Since, though, that you seem like you wanna
Have fun with your stupid-ass drama,
I wrote you this song,
Didn't take all that long.
Thanks a bunch, I'll take the piranha.
(from dark lord helmet)
I was going to get in on this,
Then I saw something in the OP I just could not miss!
Fanfiction she writes,
With Dragons and knights,
I doubt her boyfriend exists!
(My favourite: three limericks by rabblerouser)
There once was a chick on the net
whose ex-boyfriend she should forget
He was kind of a cunt
for being so blunt
and for making her feel so upset.
There's not really a good excuse
for her boyfriend to be such a douche
At least it allows her
to bang rabblerouser
It's the best sex she'll ever refuse.
Come on, baby, it would be badass
'cuz your boyfriend was prob'ly a fatass
Skill check your Desire
with a huge modifier
and I'll be GameMaster of dat ass.
I think that was my favourite entry (except for the sonnet) because it did almost all the things I wanted these limericks to do. True, rabblerouser didn't pretend to be my ex, and he didn't insult me a lot ... but he did offer to sleep with me -- as is traditional; he managed to make the offer somewhat wistful by noting that I would definitely refuse; he made gamer jokes. I gave it points for cleverness, comfort, and wistfulness.
The Aftermath
On Monday, the deadline day, I got to work and found that someone from Chicago (whom I shall refer to as The Creep) had emailed me, proposing that we meet up and he satisfy all my fetishes. Score.
I determined that one of the entries was plagiarized -- a completely incredible, insanely bizarre sestina originally published by McSweeney's: "Subterranean Gnomesick Blues". Housemate Brett and I have become obsessed with the sestina, which I have now painted on the hallway wall, and we began a lively correspondence with the author that may soon merit its own post.
The thread was at 4 pages. The hours ticked away ... I began to contemplate who should win. Then, two hours before the deadline, my account was banned! Holy shit! I had somehow passed into utter and complete e/n notoriety!
The reason posted by the moderator was: "Worst e/n thread I've ever seen." Several people emailed me to say that they definitely didn't think that the thread was the worst ever. I briefly contemplated whether or not I was honour-bound to track down the best limerickers and give them prizes, but The Creep noted that I shouldn't think of myself as owing anyone anything because "it was a thread that resulted in a banning, so ... well, really, that says it all. Collectively, the goons have spoken." Fair enough.
Ah, SomethingAwful. You comforted me when I was down. I'm sorry we had to break up, but I truly think it was the best decision for both of us, and I won't be spending $10 to get my account back. I'll read your front page and smile with nostalgia, and I'll miss all the good times we had together. Goodbye SA! I love you!
Me and SomethingAwful: A Love Story involving piranha, limericks about my breakup, etc.
Ever since I discovered SomethingAwful, I've had a strange affection for it (who couldn't love a site whose tagline is, "The Internet makes you stupid"?). Housemate Brett recently characterized me as loving SA "to a fault". I can't actually remember what I first read on that site. It may have been their hilarious, though utterly horrifying, hentai game reviews, which brought me closer to resolving never to have sex again than anything else I've ever experienced. Sometime later I found their ingenious responses to legal threats against the site ("I discussed this proposition with my lawyer, and he responded by throwing a pitcher of Tang at my head .... This is his way of saying 'no dice'.") I'd already known of SA for a while when I saw the awesome photoshopped D&D ads ("THAC0 is wacko ... if you're a teen") and the hysterically funny review of the gaming supplement, The Book of Erotic Fantasy ("Given a pad of paper, a pencil, and a year's time I would be hard pressed to come up with a list of three products less needed").
SA charges $10 for accounts on their fora. I never felt much of an urge to actually be a SomethingAwful member until I found myself hanging out with my dear friend Sean a couple years ago, and we spent much time discussing the awesomeness of SA. After hours of this, he offered to buy me an account for my birthday, though he warned me to be careful until I knew the lay of the land because the moderators ban people for just about anything. Referencing jokes that are no longer funny will get you banned, for instance, as will expressing your opinion in a boring or stupid manner.
There are many types of threads on the SA fora; you choose a thread tag when you create a new thread. Example tags include "fruity", "gross", "photoshop" and "comics" as well as plainer things such as "school", "games" or "sex". One thread tag I was always a sucker for is "e/n"; I think it stands for "emotional/neurotic" or something. E/N threads are almost always about breakups, and traditionally go something like this:
1) Someone writes a post describing his/her relationship drama.
2) SA users (known as "goons") comment with vicious mockery, off-colour remarks, psychological deconstruction of the original poster (known as the "OP"), and occasional advice or comfort.
3) If other goons know the OP, they may jump in with commentary that further confuses the issue.
4) The OP ignores any wise advice given them by the audience and does something stupid. Then s/he writes about it and is mocked some more.
5) If the OP is female, then guys start offering to sleep with her.
6) If the e/n thread is particularly scandalous (for instance, "I'm in love with my stepmother and want nothing more than to sleep with her"), then the amateur internet detectives of SA may locate real information about the OP and reveal the thread's existence to concerned parties (for instance, the stepmother). When the concerned parties get involved, this is known as the "drama bomb".
One day, as I was chortling over the memory of an e/n thread on my way to work, I had an idea. What if you had an e/n thread that was also a contest? Like, a contest to see who could make the most ridiculous remark or do the most ridiculous thing (like contact a stepmother)? And what if ... what if there were limericks involved?
I didn't have any drama that I could use for such an e/n thread myself ... but less than a month later, I did! I didn't want to upset Mark by blindsiding him with a thread about our breakup, but I swiftly obtained his permission by email and set out on my mission.
The Contest
I wrote a post of the following title: "Write a Limerick About My Breakup (CONTEST w/ PRIZES)". The prizes were a freeze-dried piranha and a diaphinised frog. I summed up my relationship and subsequent breakup with Mark in an extremely shallow, incomplete and non-detailed manner (which can be shortened to: we had a pretty awesome relationship, but neither of us were sure what was gonna happen in our lives, and when he clearly lost enthusiasm for dating me, I ended it). I cherry-picked details about our lives that I figured would inspire creativity: that we're both long-haired hippies who live in vegetarian co-ops, for instance, and that we're gamers. I nicknamed him Megaman, noted that he was an SA member, and said that I don't know his username but that I wouldn't contradict anyone who pretended to be him. I also noted that I had at one point feared that I was putting too much sexual pressure on him and asked the audience to speculate about my fetishes.
The absolute best entry was this sonnet by username jo3sh, which speculated about exactly that:
Her drive for pleasures carnal drove away
The only man for whom she's ever pined
To grave she takes the sinful secret play
But sets the goons a game to guess the kind
Did Megaman refuse to go downtown?
Or did Shataina pray his butt to peg?
Demanded she he use the highway brown?
Or was it yiff for which she wailed and begged?
Or maybe he preferred a fruity lube
And she asked him that as a special treat
They use some lard instead to wet their pubes
A vegan's dirty, begging, "give me meat!"
A goon's imagination runs amok
In wond'ring how the goon girls like to fuck.
But there were many fine entries. Here are some more, with my favourite at the end:
(A double dactyl by username alhireth-hotep)
Ranhapi Ranhana,
Gamesmaster Megaman.
Lost a she-nerd who you
gave a good lay.
Predramabombily
kill off her character:
She don't need you, but she
still need to play!
(Limerick by underflow)
Megaman the dungeon master
loved a girl, but then he cast her
Silent Stare and
Dull Despair and
frankly, it was a disaster.
(Of course, many goons urged me to kill myself. The best was from frankenstyle:)
The love you once felt is receding,
but the wounds left behind are not fleeting.
All that pain in your heart,
you can soon make depart,
If you get the damn thing to stop beating.
(I received exactly two entries that I think were from women. This one's from username smam:)
Once there was a girl so lovesick,
Thinks he's great but he sounds like a prick.
I've been there before,
So I'll tell you the score:
Find a nicer guy with a big dick.
(And the other, from the young marge:)
a hippie came here to get roasted
her relationship clearly was toasted
she whined her laments
to some neckbearded gents,
but alas! no boobies were posted.
(Several from xthnru)
I'm making this post here from work
In regards to the young man you porked.
My response to thee,
Is just let things be,
Since you both sound like huge fucking dorks.
The problem is that you've no luck,
And that the whole thread's gone amok;
Your post was too long,
Your prizes are wrong,
And no one here gives half a fuck.
But your sense of good humor's commendable,
Since your e-dignity is expendable,
And I guess that is why,
About you and this guy,
Is actually semi-lamentable.
Since, though, that you seem like you wanna
Have fun with your stupid-ass drama,
I wrote you this song,
Didn't take all that long.
Thanks a bunch, I'll take the piranha.
(from dark lord helmet)
I was going to get in on this,
Then I saw something in the OP I just could not miss!
Fanfiction she writes,
With Dragons and knights,
I doubt her boyfriend exists!
(My favourite: three limericks by rabblerouser)
There once was a chick on the net
whose ex-boyfriend she should forget
He was kind of a cunt
for being so blunt
and for making her feel so upset.
There's not really a good excuse
for her boyfriend to be such a douche
At least it allows her
to bang rabblerouser
It's the best sex she'll ever refuse.
Come on, baby, it would be badass
'cuz your boyfriend was prob'ly a fatass
Skill check your Desire
with a huge modifier
and I'll be GameMaster of dat ass.
I think that was my favourite entry (except for the sonnet) because it did almost all the things I wanted these limericks to do. True, rabblerouser didn't pretend to be my ex, and he didn't insult me a lot ... but he did offer to sleep with me -- as is traditional; he managed to make the offer somewhat wistful by noting that I would definitely refuse; he made gamer jokes. I gave it points for cleverness, comfort, and wistfulness.
The Aftermath
On Monday, the deadline day, I got to work and found that someone from Chicago (whom I shall refer to as The Creep) had emailed me, proposing that we meet up and he satisfy all my fetishes. Score.
I determined that one of the entries was plagiarized -- a completely incredible, insanely bizarre sestina originally published by McSweeney's: "Subterranean Gnomesick Blues". Housemate Brett and I have become obsessed with the sestina, which I have now painted on the hallway wall, and we began a lively correspondence with the author that may soon merit its own post.
The thread was at 4 pages. The hours ticked away ... I began to contemplate who should win. Then, two hours before the deadline, my account was banned! Holy shit! I had somehow passed into utter and complete e/n notoriety!
The reason posted by the moderator was: "Worst e/n thread I've ever seen." Several people emailed me to say that they definitely didn't think that the thread was the worst ever. I briefly contemplated whether or not I was honour-bound to track down the best limerickers and give them prizes, but The Creep noted that I shouldn't think of myself as owing anyone anything because "it was a thread that resulted in a banning, so ... well, really, that says it all. Collectively, the goons have spoken." Fair enough.
Ah, SomethingAwful. You comforted me when I was down. I'm sorry we had to break up, but I truly think it was the best decision for both of us, and I won't be spending $10 to get my account back. I'll read your front page and smile with nostalgia, and I'll miss all the good times we had together. Goodbye SA! I love you!
